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alt_dracoI saw my father last night.
I wouldn't declare it a triumphant reunion, but it wasn't a complete disaster, either. Being in Azkaban has dampened his spirits significantly, no surprise there, and he seemed somewhat out of sorts at times. Definitely not his usual handsome self, either.
It started off slow, I guess. He appeared to expect some kind of explanation from me, which at one time I would have completely understood, but now, not so much. Because I no longer feel I've done anything wrong, anything that I need to answer for. One of the first things he asked me was what "they said" to turn me. I told him that no one said anything, that it was a process that unfolded over a number of years, and that growing up with a box seat to Protectorate happenings had a good deal to do with it. That and the fact that all the people I was supposed to admire and look up to (the Carrows, Auntie Bella, Crouch, Tom Riddle - all the great leaders of the Protectorate) had done nothing but hurt me and the people I cared about.
He was surprised to hear the name Tom Riddle, that's for certain. I didn't tell him that we know far more about Tom Riddle by now than either he or any council member does.
From there he launched into a story about how he realised a while back that Voldemort's style of governing wouldn't work in the long term, and that he'd had a plan all along for us (he, me, and my mother, I guess) to learn Voldemort's secret to invulnerability, become invulnerable ourselves, and boot him out of power. He thought if I stuck close to you, Harry, that Voldemort would deem me valuable - indispensable, even - thus allowing us enough proximity to uncover a way to immortality.
Yeah, and then he said we were doomed because his plan was the only thing that could ever work. Can you believe that? Like I said - completely out of sorts.
Apparently my father's convinced that becoming as powerful and invulnerable as Voldemort is the only way to unseat him. I told him (minus the details) that the Order had already determined a way to rob Voldemort of everything that made him invulnerable and immortal, and he kept insisting that Voldemort would find out what we were doing and stop us. I told him that we'd already made progress without Voldemort finding out, and he replied that we'd only been lucky.
And then he had a bit of a breakdown and said that if I'd only returned after my "kidnapping" then his plan would have worked, but now Voldemort will kill Mother while I'm off on my fool's errand. He even seemed to think that I could somehow be welcomed back into the fold if Harry saw fit to forgive me and, I don't know, declare me rehabilitated, or some such.
I told him there was no possibility of me going back. He brought you up then, Hermione. And said surely I hadn't been the one to teach you magic, that it had to be Harry, because he'd always been too soft. I told him that neither of us taught you - that it was Minerva.
Then I said that I wished I were the sort of person who would have turned and joined a rebel organisation all on my own, but I was dragged along with my heels dug in.
Seems my father was always worried you'd soften me up, Harry. Even when we were both kids. Because he saw that you influenced me more than the other way around. I suppose he meant this as some kind of character weakness, on my part, but I told him that the reason you were able to influence me was because you were always right. And that I'd chosen who I was throwing my lot in with and that was that.
It was utterly surreal, in a way - admitting everything to him, more or less. Not to throw it in his face, or to upset him, but just because it was the truth.
And then he retorted that "my lot" was halfbreeds, mudbloods, and blood traitors. Because that sort of thinking is one of the few things he has left. I pointed out that bloody Tom Riddle himself is a halfblood, and that his words and categories are just inventions with no real meaning, and he countered that Voldemort is the Heir of Slytherin, and that he at least had the sense to feel shame for his muggle heritage and embrace his magical birthright.
I told him that in the Protectorate, even purebloods are dispensable, and he only need look at himself to see that. To that he sort of sighed, and said that he supposed I needed him to be a villain right now.
I was pretty tired by that point, so I just said that he wasn't a villain to me, but that he definitely is to others.
And then I told him that even if he's not a villain, he's still wrong. But that I wish he weren't.
So that's where the conversation ended, pretty much. I told him that I would try to come and see him in Saltash. I think he was relieved when I said that. I think he didn't want to have to ask. So that's one thing Azkaban didn't get - his pride, I mean.
I wouldn't declare it a triumphant reunion, but it wasn't a complete disaster, either. Being in Azkaban has dampened his spirits significantly, no surprise there, and he seemed somewhat out of sorts at times. Definitely not his usual handsome self, either.
It started off slow, I guess. He appeared to expect some kind of explanation from me, which at one time I would have completely understood, but now, not so much. Because I no longer feel I've done anything wrong, anything that I need to answer for. One of the first things he asked me was what "they said" to turn me. I told him that no one said anything, that it was a process that unfolded over a number of years, and that growing up with a box seat to Protectorate happenings had a good deal to do with it. That and the fact that all the people I was supposed to admire and look up to (the Carrows, Auntie Bella, Crouch, Tom Riddle - all the great leaders of the Protectorate) had done nothing but hurt me and the people I cared about.
He was surprised to hear the name Tom Riddle, that's for certain. I didn't tell him that we know far more about Tom Riddle by now than either he or any council member does.
From there he launched into a story about how he realised a while back that Voldemort's style of governing wouldn't work in the long term, and that he'd had a plan all along for us (he, me, and my mother, I guess) to learn Voldemort's secret to invulnerability, become invulnerable ourselves, and boot him out of power. He thought if I stuck close to you, Harry, that Voldemort would deem me valuable - indispensable, even - thus allowing us enough proximity to uncover a way to immortality.
Yeah, and then he said we were doomed because his plan was the only thing that could ever work. Can you believe that? Like I said - completely out of sorts.
Apparently my father's convinced that becoming as powerful and invulnerable as Voldemort is the only way to unseat him. I told him (minus the details) that the Order had already determined a way to rob Voldemort of everything that made him invulnerable and immortal, and he kept insisting that Voldemort would find out what we were doing and stop us. I told him that we'd already made progress without Voldemort finding out, and he replied that we'd only been lucky.
And then he had a bit of a breakdown and said that if I'd only returned after my "kidnapping" then his plan would have worked, but now Voldemort will kill Mother while I'm off on my fool's errand. He even seemed to think that I could somehow be welcomed back into the fold if Harry saw fit to forgive me and, I don't know, declare me rehabilitated, or some such.
I told him there was no possibility of me going back. He brought you up then, Hermione. And said surely I hadn't been the one to teach you magic, that it had to be Harry, because he'd always been too soft. I told him that neither of us taught you - that it was Minerva.
Then I said that I wished I were the sort of person who would have turned and joined a rebel organisation all on my own, but I was dragged along with my heels dug in.
Seems my father was always worried you'd soften me up, Harry. Even when we were both kids. Because he saw that you influenced me more than the other way around. I suppose he meant this as some kind of character weakness, on my part, but I told him that the reason you were able to influence me was because you were always right. And that I'd chosen who I was throwing my lot in with and that was that.
It was utterly surreal, in a way - admitting everything to him, more or less. Not to throw it in his face, or to upset him, but just because it was the truth.
And then he retorted that "my lot" was halfbreeds, mudbloods, and blood traitors. Because that sort of thinking is one of the few things he has left. I pointed out that bloody Tom Riddle himself is a halfblood, and that his words and categories are just inventions with no real meaning, and he countered that Voldemort is the Heir of Slytherin, and that he at least had the sense to feel shame for his muggle heritage and embrace his magical birthright.
I told him that in the Protectorate, even purebloods are dispensable, and he only need look at himself to see that. To that he sort of sighed, and said that he supposed I needed him to be a villain right now.
I was pretty tired by that point, so I just said that he wasn't a villain to me, but that he definitely is to others.
And then I told him that even if he's not a villain, he's still wrong. But that I wish he weren't.
So that's where the conversation ended, pretty much. I told him that I would try to come and see him in Saltash. I think he was relieved when I said that. I think he didn't want to have to ask. So that's one thing Azkaban didn't get - his pride, I mean.
no subject
Date: 2015-01-06 01:21 am (UTC)How do you feel about it? Talking to him, I mean. Because if it's too painful...well, I'm sure they'd think of another way.
no subject
Date: 2015-01-06 04:22 am (UTC)It wasn't painful. It was... tiresome. Because he clearly thinks that I can be talked out of everything I've done and everything I've come to believe, and I know that he can't. But when I tell him it can't be done, he doesn't believe me.
I'm not sure he even thinks of me as my own person, or just some extension of him and mother, designed to go along with whatever plan or whim he has in mind for me. Like his plan for me to become valuable to Voldemort by being Harry's mate, so that we could learn Voldemort's secrets? I didn't agree to that. I had no say.
no subject
Date: 2015-01-06 05:20 am (UTC)Anyway, he told you that he's had his own doubts, and that he was making plans to overthrow Voldemort himself. All right, it wasn't a good plan, and he never told you, but honestly, would you have told you? No, of course not. But it doesn't matter because it means he already knows Voldemort needs to be stopped. So all you need to do is convince him that you're the one to stop him, nevermind how, and you need his help to do it.
no subject
Date: 2015-01-06 05:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-01-06 05:34 am (UTC)I mean, he has to choose between a society where pureblood wizards are in control, and having safety for his family. He doesn't get both.
(And he never did. Does he realise that part?)
no subject
Date: 2015-01-06 05:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-01-06 05:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-01-06 05:47 am (UTC)But I'll think about it.
no subject
Date: 2015-01-06 02:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-01-06 04:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-01-06 05:27 am (UTC)How much power does your father think I have? Maybe I should try throwing it around more.
no subject
Date: 2015-01-06 05:32 am (UTC)Wait, haven't I said that before? Because I'm having deja vu.
no subject
Date: 2015-01-06 05:35 am (UTC)For all the good it did.
no subject
Date: 2015-01-06 05:37 am (UTC)Or Headmaster? I mean, just get wildly outrageous and see what people do about it. I'd like to see that. I mean, I won't, but even hearing about it second hand would be pretty good.
no subject
Date: 2015-01-06 05:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-01-06 05:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-01-06 05:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-01-06 05:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-01-06 05:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-01-06 06:00 am (UTC)Except she'd probably cruciate a bunch of third-years, so scratch that.
But Linus would just sputter poetry and run to Dolohov.
no subject
Date: 2015-01-06 06:03 am (UTC)Linus isn't horrible, even if he is the one who betrayed Sprout. He might even be useful, if we could get him analysing, I don't know, where Voldemort would hide his horcruxes or how best to take down the wards.
He is a pretty terrible Head Boy, though.
Private message to Harry
Date: 2015-01-06 05:16 am (UTC)But I'm not sure thats true. I mean, obviously she didn't seduce me, but sometimes I wonder if I could have come this far if I hadn't known her. And I don't think I could have done. Which makes me feel disappointed in myself, some how.
Re: Private message to Harry
Date: 2015-01-06 05:25 am (UTC)Re: Private message to Harry
Date: 2015-01-06 05:27 am (UTC)Which is just too much to put on any one person.
Re: Private message to Harry
Date: 2015-01-06 05:31 am (UTC)But neither did I. Maybe Pansy did, and Hydra, I'm not sure.
I'm just saying, for Hermione to influence you, you had to get to the point where she could influence you. So give yourself some credit.
Re: Private message to Harry
Date: 2015-01-06 05:36 am (UTC)Very wise of you.
no subject
Date: 2015-01-06 02:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-01-06 04:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-01-06 05:25 am (UTC)