Order Only - Private message to Harry and Justin

[alt_draco]

Hey-

There's something I've been wondering, and you two are the best people I can ask, because I know you're both sentimental about Sirius for different (albeit related) reasons.

Ellie leaped in front of Sirius so he could live, and near as I can tell, that's the only reason he's here now.

Are you glad about that? I mean, I know you aren't happy Ellie's dead, obviously, but when it comes right down to it, would you rather she be dead and Sirius be alive, instead of the reverse?

Comments

[alt_justin]

Draco,

I say, old man, what a question. Obviously, one would prefer that neither of them were dead, what, but if you're asking about tactical choices, Sirius can do more for the Order than Ellie could have done. If you're asking about personal attachment, well, I say, I suppose I would have to say I respect Ellie's choice and I'm grateful to her for making it.

You're not saying you would have wished the reverse, what? Or are you feeling well guilty for being 'glad' Sirius was spared?

-Justin

[alt_draco]

The question isn't outrageous. We all might have to choose to save one person over another some day. It isn't out of the realm of possibility at all. And it might come down to choosing to save yourself over someone else, or allowing yourself to be sacrificed, or any other of those combinations. Hermione and I alread

And can you really call what she did a choice? It might have been an impulse. Who knows what she was thinking when she did it. She might not have even fully comprehended that Bellatrix was casting to kill.

Last night I almost told Ron that I thought it was bollocks. A muggleborn believing that Sirius Black's life is more valuable than her own? Bollocks. But then I realised we need him more than her. It's shite but it's true. And I'm not even sure I like him more than I liked her.

Now I'm wondering whether we're supposed to plan this all out in advance. Pick who's expendable and who's not. Or do you just wait until the moment comes and decide then, in whatever amount of time you have left.

[alt_justin]

No, it's not that it's outrageous, it's simply--well, it's rather a complicated issue. Yes, we all might well have to choose, of course. Some time back, Hydra and I have talked about just that, about saving one person over another or sacrificing oneself for the good of the others. Sally-Anne and I, too, and Ron, how we all have to have our eyes open about the dangers and risks, and that we four in particular (and you, while you were at school) are treading a path that could easily force us to choose suicide rather than give up Order secrets.

I do think Ellie's was a choice, yes, given what Sirius said about it. It might not have been meditated, what, but she still committed to that act in order to save him.

As for who's expendable--well, to be honest, old man, nearly all of us are, in one way or another. Even Sirius would likely say there are circumstances in which he would be willing to die if it meant the Order would achieve its goals. One could drive oneself mad doing mental mathematics about who is more expendable than others. That sort of calculation can't be made in the abstract, I think. With certain exceptions, what.

-Justin

[alt_draco]

I just wonder if there's someone out there right now who would rather it had been Sirius instead of Ellie. Someone who hates Sirius right now, who would hate all of us if they knew we'd rather have him alive than her.

In the Utopian vision of almost every resistance, some people still matter more than others. It's like what I told Harry: he can remind everyone he's a halfblood, but he's always going to matter more than the rest of them. That's not his fault, it just is what it is. But it's still bollocks.

Sorry, this is the sort of rubbish I think about now that I haven't got essays to write or a council wizard career to prepare for.

[alt_justin]

Someone who cared for Ellie, you mean. I don't know. One of the worst parts of her death is that I don't think she ever had a chance to develop that sort of attachment. I suppose it's possible that someone who frequented the garden harboured feelings for her, or someone in the Order. But no, old chap, I can't say I know if there was anyone special.

That's not to say that Sirius himself isn't feeling well horrid about it. He mentioned 'abandoning' the others to their fates. I'm sure it's because he believes he ought to have been able to save her, or save any of them, what.

In any case, yes, it's entirely true that he's made himself a lightning rod. If he had died, the whole country would feel the loss, one way or the other. Ellie was a sweet, clever young woman, and it's terrible that her life was cut short, but she wasn't a figure of the revolution of anything like Sirius's magnitude.

It's not rubbish, what, it's quite natural to wonder 'what if' after something like this.

-Justin

[alt_draco]

She was also a muggleborn. I mean, we're doing this all for them, right? For people like you and Hermione and Terry. And yet a pureblood, born to one of the most important pureblood families in all of England, is the figure of the revolution. Alice, also a pureblood, is head of the Order.

Sometimes I guess it seems a bit naff that purebloods are running the revolution. I don't know how else it could be done but it seems naff just the same.

[alt_harry]

If Sirius had jumped in front of Ellie would either of you actually be thinking, 'what a waste, he was so much more useful to the Order than she is' or would you just be sad he was dead?

I mean, he can do more for the Order. But I don't think he ducked behind her thinking, 'well, I can do more for the Order so I'll just let her die for me.' I think he'd have stopped her. If he could have done.

[alt_harry]

I don't know how we decide who's expendable and who's not.

No one's expendable. No one from our side. Some people are going to die anyway and we'll have to get by without them. But that doesn't mean they're expendable.

[alt_harry]

I don't.

I don't matter more than anybody.

I don't ever want someone jumping in front of a curse for me again. Anyone.

[alt_justin]

Whites from the north of America were the ones who formed the Abolitionist movement in the United States. There were some freed slaves in their ranks but no one would bally well listen to them without the weight of their white compatriots.

It's the nature of revolution that it relies on some measure of goodwill from the enlightened among the class which is oppressing the others. The alternatives are examples from Muggle history such as the Russian revolution, the French Revolution and the Chinese Communist Revolution--all of which were jolly well bloody, and directly destructive to the former ruling class. Our people don't wish to go about beheading every pureblood wizard who ever raised a wand, what. We're trying to minimise the damage. I daresay that wouldn't be the case if we were all Muggleborn.

What's naff is that we make any sort of distinction about where one's magic originated. Instead of looking at what sort of families our leaders and heroes came from, what, look at what they've chosen to do. Sirius eschewed his family's beliefs about purity to become best friends with a halfblood and werewolf. He's put his life on the line, helped supply the Order, rescued children and Muggles and Muggleborn and continually reminds the public that the Protectorate fosters all sorts of ills which must be corrected. Mrs Longbottom was an Auror who has devoted her life to raising a new generation of children who will grow up without any sort of distinction made between purebloods or muggleborn, who will learn magic and eventually either join the cause or enjoy the freedoms we've helped to win for them. She's not doing that because she's a pureblood who feels guilty about being a pureblood, what. She's doing that because she believes it's the right thing to do.

I suggest that if you want to stop the 'naff' distinction that purebloods are somehow handing equality to muggleborns, you could start by not dwelling so much on who is or isn't a pureblood.

-Justin

[alt_draco]

Of course you don't, you big tit. You're made of the same goop as the rest of us, I reckon. My point is that most people will always treat you like you're the Lord Protector's son, no matter what you tell them otherwise.

What if Patil jumped in front of you? That's her job now, isn't it?

[alt_harry]

I don't think she'd especially want to no matter what they tell her that her job is.

And I don't want her to, either.

Though if I had to choose between Patil dying and anyone else in the Order, well, she made her choices.

[alt_draco]

Sad? That's pushing it.

Look, we get on better than we used to, Sirius and I, but if he died I think I'd mostly be thinking it was a waste, yeah. I'd be more sad for you than him, that's for sure. I might regret that I didn't get to know him better. Which. Yeah.. shut up, you.

[alt_harry]

Well if he's not going to be able to go out, and he's sick every time he apparates, you may have the opportunity to get to know him a lot better. Unless you move to that house we put under the Fidelius outside Hogsmeade on Saturday.

[alt_justin]

Harry,

Yes, of course, he didn't save himself callously like that. And no, I don't think the question is one of whether we're sad or not. As Draco says, no one's happy that Ellie died, though it's natural to feel some--relief, what, that Sirius is not dead. The two emotions are not mutually exclusive.

And had it been Sirius, of course we would both be sad and mourn the loss it meant to the Order--and the whole realm, for that matter. But we would also still be relieved that Ellie was alive, and would have a chance to live the life Sirius bought for her, had their positions been reversed.

-Justin

[alt_justin]

'We' in this case being the Order, what, not merely me and Draco!

-Justin

[alt_draco]

Cheers for the history lesson, Binns.

If I'm still dwelling on it it's because everyone else is. I thought when I died I could finally forget about that stuff, but Sarah, even some of the other kids at Moddey... they act like I'm more important than them somehow, and I doubt it's because I 'eschewed my family's beliefs.' I mean, good for me and Sirius for being basically decent.

I know no one's expendable, like Harry said. But be honest: if you were in a situation where you could only save one of them, would it be Sirius or Hydra?

[alt_draco]

And I never even give Teddy a second thought. (Right now doesn't count.) And we grew up together, in a way. Not like you and I did, but he was another council wizard's kid, just the same.

[alt_harry]

Yeah, well, good.

Keep not giving him a second thought. He was like a younger, weaker version of the people we're fighting.

If Sirius had managed to kill Bellatrix yesterday I'd throw a party.

[alt_harry]

Are you bringing this up because you think in some way the Order thinks Ellie was less important because she was a muggleborn?

[alt_justin]

Sorry, old man. I spent the first ten years or so of my life doing bally well nothing but reading. It does tend to colour one's conversation.

If I could only save one, it would be Hydra, of course. But I also know Sirius would support that choice, what. But if I could save them both by sacrificing myself, I hope I would choose to do that, instead.

-Justin

Private Message to Draco

[alt_justin]

Sarah treats you as if you're more important because you're a pureblood?

-Justin

[alt_draco]

No, it's not that exactly, I don't think. It's more that everyone's going 'round talking about how brave she was, how she did us all proud and such. And I know it's to make Sirius feel better, but I just wish we could be more honest and tell it like it is. It's a tragedy.

Re: Private Message to Draco

[alt_draco]

Yeah. She pretends so hard that it doesn't matter that it becomes really obvious that it matters, you know?

For example, she'll make a joke about how I would have never given her a second glance if we were both still at school. Or if I mention Daphne, it'll be really apparent that it makes her uncomfortable.

[alt_draco]

You certainly arrived at a very tidy conclusion, with little fuss or muss. How'd you manage that?

Re: Private Message to Draco

[alt_justin]

Do you think it's the blood purity or is that merely an excuse for other insecurities?

-J

Re: Private Message to Draco

[alt_draco]

Does it matter? Either way it's a problem.

[alt_justin]

Some choices are clearer than others, what. I said there were certain exceptions.

-Justin

Re: Private Message to Draco

[alt_justin]

It's not easy, is it, to move on. I'm sorry, old chap.

-J

Re: Private Message to Draco

[alt_draco]

I'm trying. And I like Sarah, I do. She's witty and sweet and has this cute half-smile thing that she does. We have fun together, most of the time.

But yeah.

Re: Private Message to Draco

[alt_justin]

Does Hermione make it clear that your purity doesn't matter to her?

It can't help that you're such close friends and spend so much time together. Distance makes a difference, what, but you and Hermione haven't exactly taken that route.

I say, she's seeing Clark, isn't she? Have you any sense of whether their relationship is solid or just as problematic as yours with Sarah?

-J

Re: Private Message to Draco

[alt_draco]

What? Oh, that - it never comes up. I mean, not in a personal way. Not at all. Everything we went through together completely erased all of that.

I've thought of that, yeah. Spending more time apart would make a difference, and we do, sometimes. She'll go see Tim and I'll go see Sarah. But then she once told me that if I ever needed her for anything, she'd leave Sherwood straight away. I'd do the same for her. So it can't really be called a typical friendship.

Their relationship reminds me of what you'd see from most of our school set. Lots and lots of snogging and groping, I'd wager, a little chatting now and then. I think she's definitely enjoying herself but it doesn't come across as... particularly meaningful, you know? Though I'm not in a neutral position to judge.

Re: Private Message to Draco

[alt_justin]

That's a start, I suppose. Thinking of you as equal, it means she isn't intimidated and sees you as yourself, not by a label, what.

It doesn't mean she'll ever necessarily turn round and think of you romantically, sad to say. But perhaps what she needs is something that isn't deep and meaningful, what. So that she can leave it behind if she needs to do.

-J

Re: Private Message to Draco

[alt_draco]

Intimidated by me? Ha, that's a right laugh. She's really, really not. Oh, and the bit about leaving Sherwood if I needed her, it's not about serving me or some nonsense. It's - well, hard to explain, to someone who wasn't there. Who didn't go through what we did.

I don't believe that she will ever think of me romantically, no. And I wouldn't want her to do so just because we experienced an enormous trauma together. We're not even leaning on each other like we once were and that's good.

Sometimes when I'm with Sarah I don't even think about Hermione.

But I know who I think about when I'm just by myself, and most of the time, it isn't Sarah.

I don't know. Maybe if I just give it time, someday things will be different.