Order Only Private message to Daphs

[alt_draco]

I've thought about keeping my mouth shut and my nose out of it, because I realise that at a fundamental level its none of my business, but you're also my friend, at a fundamental level, and I want you to know that you deserve more than Barty Crouch, Jr. And you definitely deserve more than the hurt that's inevitable now that you've yolked your life to his and given your heart away.

I know about that hurt because of my parents - who treated me with adoration despite their beliefs and, in the case of my father, actions elsewhere in the Protectorate. They hurt me by never giving me what I really needed: the freedom to go my own way, and protection from the mad whims of Voldemort. In turn I've hurt them with my ingratitude and unwillingness to conform to their beliefs. Meanwhile we all still care about each other, more or less, and have to muddle along and ignore our differences.

Crouch is probably not one to make such compromises, and when I say that you being hurt is inevitable I mean that either he will be killed (by Voldemort, or one of us) and you will grieve, or he will hurt you more directly, or you will be forced to betray him and leave him behind, or any other number of possibilities. What I'm saying is that your bliss comes with a countdown. You have to know that, right? Because knowing it on some intuitive level isn't the same as knowing it openly and honestly.

I hope you will at least commit to the inevitable outcome before you commit to him.

Because I'll hex myself and the rest of the Order when something hurts you and everyone sits around after the fact and says "Oh, I wish there's something we could have said or done." So this is me saying and doing.

And yeah, it's no secret I detest the man, but even from an objective stance he's a horrific human being. But I know how that bit goes, too - my father has done horrific things, and even now I can't bring myself to write that he's a "horrific human being" because I know he has qualities that go beyond that. But those qualities don't erase the horrific things that he's done and I have to accept that. Have accepted that.

Just the other night Hermione asked me how I would feel if, after this is all over, they decided to execute my father for his crimes. The only answer I could come up with was "helpless."

I don't want you to feel that, Daphs.

So even if Crouch treats you like a Queen, he still murders others - and not just on order, like Hydra, Justin and Ron have, but for fun and sport, too. And to the decent person like you or like me, that contradiction causes a discomfort that can't be ignored. You might be able to repress it for a little while, but in the long run it will make itself known.

If you decide to leave him now, it will hurt tremendously, I'm sure. But you would recover. There's still chance of that now. Later, there might not be.

Think about allowing yourself that chance.

Comments

[alt_daphne]

Well you didn't call me stupid, like Millie did.

So that makes for a nice change.

[alt_draco]

She called you stupid? About Crouch, I mean?

[alt_daphne]

Yes, though she lacked the finesse and subtlety that you possess. Mostly, she thinks Barty's unattractive.

Honestly, Draco, I'm no stranger to the hurt, confusion, and discomfort you describe, only I suppose I can't blame you for thinking I'm ignorant since I don't share those feelings with anyone, really. That doesn't mean, however, that I'm repressing or deliberately ignoring them.

What I'm saying is: I've thought through this situation more clearly than you recognise. Holda knows it's almost all I think about.

[alt_draco]

Sorry, but she has a point. He is the textbook definition of unattractive, even if he's got a nice face, or whatever.

And, all right. I mean, only you know what happens in your own brain, but yeah, it's hard to get a a good guess at what you're thinking, from over here.

So. What are you thinking?

[alt_daphne]

I think about lots of things. I think about how if you're a girl in the Protectorate there only appears to be two paths to power and recognition. You either become an object of affection or an object of fear. I, for one, always choose affection. Even choosing acting and the stage is just another way to choose affection. And whose affection matters most? The affection of powerful men, and Barty is the epitome of that.

I think about how heady it is to have earned the affection of a powerful man. Really, you can't imagine the thrill of it! In the most logical part of my mind I know it doesn't really matter and it's just a load of tosh, but everywhere else it feels good and validating. It feels so wonderful to be chosen, at last.

And then I think about how, in the past, I chose, too. One man, first; then later, another. That felt even better than being chosen, I think. Because they were decent, honourable men who were deserving of me.

But you know what? They didn't chose me back. And I'll never know why, and I'll always think about it, and wonder about it.

And right now I'm thinking about how if you were a girl, you might understand me better.

Mostly I think about how he doesn't love me like I love him. And he never will.

But if I have to love him more than he loves me then I'll be damned if I don't at least get to be The Girl Who Snagged Barty Crouch, too.

[alt_draco]

Bloody nightshade, now you've got me wishing I were a girl, because I'm not honestly sure I understand all of that. I hear it, but I don't - I mean, I can't, because as you've already astutely pointed out, I'm a bloke. I can sympathise with and imagine your position but I can't ever know it.

I guess I've never thought about relationships in terms of choosing and being chosen. It's more like "finding," if you ask me. Maybe you just haven't given yourself enough time to find someone, Daphs. You're only eighteen. And after all of this you could go to France and Italy and amaze all the men there, and find someone who treats you well and makes you feel good.

I'm really sorry that I hurt you, too. I was an idiot, with that fake-dating stuff. You were way too good to me, and I think that might be the problem. I need someone to be real with me, not good to me. Being good to people is just how you are, I know, and no one wants you to be anything different - but a tosser like me (and Weasley, who's an even bigger tosser) needs firm handling.

I hope you don't think that your greatest role of your life will be "The Girl Who Snagged Barty Crouch."

[alt_draco]

And even though I can't believe I'm saying this about Barty Crouch, I'm sorry that you love him more than he loves you.

[alt_daphne]

It's all right that he doesn't love me as much as I love him. That particular fact makes it easier for me to do what I have to do.

And no, I don't think that being Mrs Barty Crouch will be the greatest role of my life. It's merely the latest.

But who can say what the future holds?

[alt_draco]

So you're really going through with it, then?

[alt_daphne]

Oh, I'm going through with it now more than ever! Because if Draco Malfoy, hater of Barty Crouch, can still bring himself to care about (the future) Mrs Barty Crouch, then I know that the rest of you will be able to live with my decision, too.

Plus, I'm going to get that roman eagle horcrux, and I'm going to do it in a way that doesn't involve getting possessed, almost killing Sally Anne, escaping from Gringott's on a dragon, or nearly burning myself alive with fiendfyre.

[alt_draco]

Please stop referring to yourself as (the future) Mrs Barty Crouch.

Merlin, you're not going to be Daphne Crouch now, are you? That's awful.

And hey, the dragon was cool.

But yes, I'm sure whatever you have in mind will be far more elegant and refined and impressive. Goes without saying, really.

[alt_daphne]

"Mrs Barty Crouch" sounds better.

The rest of the time I'll just be Daphne.