I think about lots of things. I think about how if you're a girl in the Protectorate there only appears to be two paths to power and recognition. You either become an object of affection or an object of fear. I, for one, always choose affection. Even choosing acting and the stage is just another way to choose affection. And whose affection matters most? The affection of powerful men, and Barty is the epitome of that.
I think about how heady it is to have earned the affection of a powerful man. Really, you can't imagine the thrill of it! In the most logical part of my mind I know it doesn't really matter and it's just a load of tosh, but everywhere else it feels good and validating. It feels so wonderful to be chosen, at last.
And then I think about how, in the past, I chose, too. One man, first; then later, another. That felt even better than being chosen, I think. Because they were decent, honourable men who were deserving of me.
But you know what? They didn't chose me back. And I'll never know why, and I'll always think about it, and wonder about it.
And right now I'm thinking about how if you were a girl, you might understand me better.
Mostly I think about how he doesn't love me like I love him. And he never will.
But if I have to love him more than he loves me then I'll be damned if I don't at least get to be The Girl Who Snagged Barty Crouch, too.
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branchandroot
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Date: 2015-05-02 03:39 pm (UTC)I think about how heady it is to have earned the affection of a powerful man. Really, you can't imagine the thrill of it! In the most logical part of my mind I know it doesn't really matter and it's just a load of tosh, but everywhere else it feels good and validating. It feels so wonderful to be chosen, at last.
And then I think about how, in the past, I chose, too. One man, first; then later, another. That felt even better than being chosen, I think. Because they were decent, honourable men who were deserving of me.
But you know what? They didn't chose me back. And I'll never know why, and I'll always think about it, and wonder about it.
And right now I'm thinking about how if you were a girl, you might understand me better.
Mostly I think about how he doesn't love me like I love him. And he never will.
But if I have to love him more than he loves me then I'll be damned if I don't at least get to be The Girl Who Snagged Barty Crouch, too.