Order Only - Private message to Snape

[alt_draco]

I'm sorry.

You've voiced your faith in me for some time now, and I've let you down in more ways than I can count. I've let us all down. I overestimated myself to immeasurable degrees. I don't know how I can begin to make up for it, but I'll do whatever it takes, without protest.

And the others in the Order, whatever they decide to do with me - it doesn't matter what it is, I'll do it.

I don't know what else to say.

Comments

[alt_severus]

Draco, you need not make apologies, or excuses, or justifications, and I will not stand to hear anyone berate you, whether that person is yourself or otherwise.

I have known all along we were placing an unbearably cruel burden on your shoulders; I was willing to do so was because I knew you had assumed that burden on your own and would not relinquish it. That circumstances, mistakes, and the actions of others prevented the continued carrying of that burden does not change the fact you were willing to shoulder it.

I will not absolve you of your involvement in yesterday's actions. I cannot absolve you: no man can ease another's conscience. But your mistakes were not unforgiveable. I have told you before that my own exposure to the Dark Lord came from the slip of a syllable; yours was at least due to the active deception of another.

The life of a double agent is fraught with danger and exposure is simply a matter of time. Your time came early; that is something to regret. But you are alive and at liberty, and that must be counted a success. We will decide what happens next once everyone has a few days to collect their thoughts.

You have not let me down and I will not countenance you thinking that you have.

[alt_draco]

I know that others are disappointed in me. No. I am. And everyone I care about - if they're not, they should be.

I ought to have seen through Teddy's ruse, but I wanted so badly to believe that she

I never even got to where I was supposed to be, to do what I was supposed to do. What good can I even do now?

I know you can't answer this or say anything to make it right I just feel so. So something. Lost? Gone.

It sounds like you're trying to convince me to forgive myself but you haven't even forgiven you.

So. You first.

[alt_severus]

It would be exceptionally unusual were you not disappointed in yourself. You have spent a great deal of time and effort preparing yourself for something that now will not likely come to be, and your life and your view of the future has undergone a very significant trauma in the past twenty-four hours that will take time for you to process.

You are not, however, useless. Your worth to the Order has never rested wholly in your ability to infiltrate the Council, and your worth to yourself has never rested wholly in your worth to the Order. If you remain willing, there will always be a place for you. As long as I breathe there will

That I have not forgiven my own failures — truth. But although I am not likely to ever forgive myself for them, I have done what I could to redeem them, and will continue to do so until I am dead or the Dark Lord is. Forgiving oneself is not necessary to keep going; one must only get up and keep working towards one's ultimate goal.

Your previous life and previous plans may be dead, but you are not. Do not mourn yourself as though you were.

[alt_draco]

I just don't know what else I can do. I can't even think, or picture it.

That's why my goal will be to do whatever the Order asks. It's the only thing I can think of that might make up for all I've done.

Worst thing of all? Even in the middle of this whole mess I caused, I'm still thinking about her. Even though that's what caused all of this.

[alt_severus]

I wish I knew a better way to help you

I will speak to Alice about what your next steps might be.

For now, however: I am in the stillroom brewing, with Black assisting. Come down and help; it will take your mind off things.

[alt_draco]

I don't think any potion brewed by me right now would be worth much.

[alt_severus]

I have ruined nearly every batch I have attempted to make today; I am using only ingredients that can easily be replaced.

[alt_draco]

Oh. Alright.