Order Only - Private message to Harry and Hydra

[alt_draco]

It's a good thing that 12 Grimmauld is hidden. I've been spending a lot of time staring out the window, even though it's not really like me to sit at windows, staring out. There's a bakery across the street. It seems to be popular, though I've never tried any of their bread or pastry. I don't think I would have eaten there before, because it's not a bakery I've heard of, and not the sort of bakery that most of my mates would go to. But now I keep wishing I could walk over and get a croissant, or something. It would probably be a terrible croissant, but that wouldn't matter. I know I could probably ask Kreacher to walk over and get me one, but that's not really the point. I want it to be me who walks over there, who goes inside and buys a terrible croissant.

Of all the ideas we've discussed, I think the only one that will work is for me to die. My parents need to believe I'm dead. If there's a way for them to think I died loyal, that would be even better, but I don't know if it's possible now. Things will be better for them if it looks as if I were trying to get back to them to tell them all I knew, and got killed along the way.

Better for them temporarily, that is.

And then, after that, I might leave New London. I don't feel like I fit in at Sherwood or Moddey, but that's rather the point.

I've been wondering if part of the reason I wanted to join the Council wasn't because I was oh-so certain I could be useful as a double agent, but because it would mean that my life would be disrupted as little as possible. I would be able to eat at the best restaurants, get invited to the best parties, wear the best robes... I could pretend that I was the dutiful son my parents wanted me to be.

That's not an option any more. None of it is. And sitting in what is essentially my ancestral home, staring out the window, isn't really, either. Yet I keep doing it.

Alright. I don't know what else.

Comments

[alt_hydra]

There's nothing wrong with wanting your life to be disrupted as little as possible. I doubt any one would fault you for that. They might have once been envious that you had the option, though. I was always envious of you for having Auntie Narcissa as a mother, but I didn't begrudge you for it, or anything like that.

I'm not sure but I think Auror Lamont might be looking into ways to stage your death. There was also some talk of kidnapping your parents, but that idea might have been scrapped. I'm not sure.

[alt_harry]

Maybe you could still end up being a spy.

Turning into someone else so you could get access to places, like Mr Snape did with Milland.

It still wouldn't be you buying the croissant, or eating at the restaurant, but you'd be good at looking like you belonged.

[alt_harry]

I don't think anyone thought you were taking the easy way out, either.

And now you're in the same boat as Sirius and Mr and Mrs Longbottom and Mr Kingsley, and yeah, they have to stay hidden a lot of the time, but they do a lot of things too, so it won't be like you've just got to stay inside all the time.

Just for now.

[alt_draco]

Yeah, I don't know. Maybe. But probably not for a while.

[alt_harry]

And. I mean. You were part of the Archives thing. (Which sounded absolutely brilliant, by the way.) So it's not like they don't think you can do anything.

[alt_draco]

All I did was stand and keep watch. Anyone can do that.

But it really isn't about people thinking I can or can't do things.