Private message to Severus Snape
May. 22nd, 2015 09:49 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
alt_dracoI wish you were here so that I could ask you about last night's dream.
Most of them have been awful, but this one - Harry and I were getting ready for the rite, but it was like it had already happened, or something. The conversation wasn't filled with the awful dread that our last, real conversation had. We were in the room he was staying in, and we were trying to find the most traditional wizarding robes possible so that Voldemort wouldn't think anything was amiss when Harry handed himself over. And at one point, Harry held up a pair of muggle-styled blue jeans and said "I really wish I had worn these, instead. Wouldn't it be brilliant if Voldemort died wearing too-tight muggle blue jeans?" And then we both started laughing, and that woke me up. But I was able to fall asleep easier, after that.
And now I'm wondering if dead people can actually visit you in your dreams, or if that was just some unconscious projection of my own inner-Harry, or something. Trying to make light of the situation, you know. Trying to do what both of you wanted and move on, and forgive myself.
Because except for that dream, every day is harder.
I keep thinking about what I wish I'd done differently. How I wish I hadn't made it all about me. He was going to die and he must have been afraid but he never showed it. I should have comforted him. In his note he said to me "I hope you're able to forgive me for all this." And before we parted I told him I was all right with it, that I forgave him, only I don't think he believed me because why else would he write that? I should have made sure that he knew. I should have done so much more.
Most of the time I just feel nothing because that just seems better for everyone. I don't want to be the person who needs their hand held, or who falls apart because there's a crisis. And yet I feel profound loathing at the sight of anyone who isn't somehow suffering, or who hasn't sacrificed what we have. I feel ugly. It makes me want to do ugly things. It makes me want
Sorry. I didn't start out writing in this kind of mood, but it looks like that's what it's turning into.
Thank you for making sure that Hermione got her Mastery. Thank you for telling her that you loved her. She needs that, I'm sure. And thank you for saying to me what you did. It matters, and I hope wherever you are you know that.
See you later, maybe not long from now.
Most of them have been awful, but this one - Harry and I were getting ready for the rite, but it was like it had already happened, or something. The conversation wasn't filled with the awful dread that our last, real conversation had. We were in the room he was staying in, and we were trying to find the most traditional wizarding robes possible so that Voldemort wouldn't think anything was amiss when Harry handed himself over. And at one point, Harry held up a pair of muggle-styled blue jeans and said "I really wish I had worn these, instead. Wouldn't it be brilliant if Voldemort died wearing too-tight muggle blue jeans?" And then we both started laughing, and that woke me up. But I was able to fall asleep easier, after that.
And now I'm wondering if dead people can actually visit you in your dreams, or if that was just some unconscious projection of my own inner-Harry, or something. Trying to make light of the situation, you know. Trying to do what both of you wanted and move on, and forgive myself.
Because except for that dream, every day is harder.
I keep thinking about what I wish I'd done differently. How I wish I hadn't made it all about me. He was going to die and he must have been afraid but he never showed it. I should have comforted him. In his note he said to me "I hope you're able to forgive me for all this." And before we parted I told him I was all right with it, that I forgave him, only I don't think he believed me because why else would he write that? I should have made sure that he knew. I should have done so much more.
Most of the time I just feel nothing because that just seems better for everyone. I don't want to be the person who needs their hand held, or who falls apart because there's a crisis. And yet I feel profound loathing at the sight of anyone who isn't somehow suffering, or who hasn't sacrificed what we have. I feel ugly. It makes me want to do ugly things. It makes me want
Sorry. I didn't start out writing in this kind of mood, but it looks like that's what it's turning into.
Thank you for making sure that Hermione got her Mastery. Thank you for telling her that you loved her. She needs that, I'm sure. And thank you for saying to me what you did. It matters, and I hope wherever you are you know that.
See you later, maybe not long from now.
