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Private message to Harry and Granger
Sure loves to hear himself talk, that one. All that rot about teachers not noticing and taking action when it came to Finch-Fletchley, when really, if Finch-Fletchley had been taught any sort of decent lessons in dark arts or practical dueling, he would have been able to defend himself properly. But that one can't seem to fathom that when some bastard is coming at you with a deadly hex, your first thought probably isn't going to be about the "cultural structures" or "coercive powers" that made the bastard that way, but how to get him out of your face, and quickly. Sorry, but I'll hex first, think about the rest later.
And that bit about "inventing justification for deeds to the point of absurdity?" I don't know, but it reminded me of when we were five or six, Harry. Remember, they were still restoring Buckingham and parts of it were closed off to everyone, even you. And it was the first time my Father ever Cruciated me.
Granger, you weren't there then, so I'll explain. I'm talking about those semi-state rooms in the lower levels - I'm pretty sure that they're so heavily warded now that no one but Harry's Father can get into them, but back then they still didn't have everything set up, so all we knew was that if we wandered into that area, we'd get into terrible trouble.
So of course, that's exactly what we did. Harry wanted to explore and I was perfectly happy to go along with that sort of thing, back then. We ended up playing green ghost in some kind of trophy room, and I was wearing the blanket and Harry was hiding somewhere. I was bumbling around, blind as anything, and I tripped into a display case. A glass goblet fell over inside and smashed to pieces. It must have set off some kind of alarm spell, because we were trying to put the goblet back together when Yaxley caught us. Bloody nightshade, he scared me down to my toes back then. Still does, if I'm honest.
He marched us both off to the Lord Protector's chambers and both of our Fathers were clearly annoyed at being interrupted. There was a lot of questioning and hard words like "How could you be so disobedient?" Between that and Yaxley's dark expression, it was all terrible enough. But then, when the Lord Protector said that I needed to be punished for both of us, my Father almost seemed...well, I didn't know what to call it then, but I think "shocked" is what I'd call it now. Just that by the expression on his face I didn't expect him to do what he ended up doing. I thought he might pick me up and take me out of there - I even remember being sad, Harry, thinking I might not be able to play with you again for a long time.
But he didn't pick me up and take me out of there. Instead he sat me in the middle of the room and he Cruciated me.
I don't have to tell you how horrible it was. Well, not you at least, Granger. But the pain and the shakes and the tremors, none of it compared to how awful it felt to know that my own Father had just done that to me. And a few nights later I was crying to Mother about just that, and she said that Father had done it because he wanted to spare me what the Lord Protector would do to me if he hadn't.
I didn't believe it for a long time. But I believe it now. And my Father wasn't just inventing justification... there was, in fact, someone else who would have enjoyed it more, would have been more cruel, more vicious, and would have felt less remorse. No remorse, actually.
I don't know. I don't know what to say about "breaking the cycle" (and neither does that one, apparently - never gives a set of instructions, does he?). But it's pointless to sit and ponder change and the future when there are more important things bearing down now. There is no way out of anything when you're a kid.
So, what are you going to do when my Father expects you to cruciate Granger at the second task, Harry? Are you going to be able to do it?
Seems odd that so much of his post is relevant to that very question.
And that bit about "inventing justification for deeds to the point of absurdity?" I don't know, but it reminded me of when we were five or six, Harry. Remember, they were still restoring Buckingham and parts of it were closed off to everyone, even you. And it was the first time my Father ever Cruciated me.
Granger, you weren't there then, so I'll explain. I'm talking about those semi-state rooms in the lower levels - I'm pretty sure that they're so heavily warded now that no one but Harry's Father can get into them, but back then they still didn't have everything set up, so all we knew was that if we wandered into that area, we'd get into terrible trouble.
So of course, that's exactly what we did. Harry wanted to explore and I was perfectly happy to go along with that sort of thing, back then. We ended up playing green ghost in some kind of trophy room, and I was wearing the blanket and Harry was hiding somewhere. I was bumbling around, blind as anything, and I tripped into a display case. A glass goblet fell over inside and smashed to pieces. It must have set off some kind of alarm spell, because we were trying to put the goblet back together when Yaxley caught us. Bloody nightshade, he scared me down to my toes back then. Still does, if I'm honest.
He marched us both off to the Lord Protector's chambers and both of our Fathers were clearly annoyed at being interrupted. There was a lot of questioning and hard words like "How could you be so disobedient?" Between that and Yaxley's dark expression, it was all terrible enough. But then, when the Lord Protector said that I needed to be punished for both of us, my Father almost seemed...well, I didn't know what to call it then, but I think "shocked" is what I'd call it now. Just that by the expression on his face I didn't expect him to do what he ended up doing. I thought he might pick me up and take me out of there - I even remember being sad, Harry, thinking I might not be able to play with you again for a long time.
But he didn't pick me up and take me out of there. Instead he sat me in the middle of the room and he Cruciated me.
I don't have to tell you how horrible it was. Well, not you at least, Granger. But the pain and the shakes and the tremors, none of it compared to how awful it felt to know that my own Father had just done that to me. And a few nights later I was crying to Mother about just that, and she said that Father had done it because he wanted to spare me what the Lord Protector would do to me if he hadn't.
I didn't believe it for a long time. But I believe it now. And my Father wasn't just inventing justification... there was, in fact, someone else who would have enjoyed it more, would have been more cruel, more vicious, and would have felt less remorse. No remorse, actually.
I don't know. I don't know what to say about "breaking the cycle" (and neither does that one, apparently - never gives a set of instructions, does he?). But it's pointless to sit and ponder change and the future when there are more important things bearing down now. There is no way out of anything when you're a kid.
So, what are you going to do when my Father expects you to cruciate Granger at the second task, Harry? Are you going to be able to do it?
Seems odd that so much of his post is relevant to that very question.
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When we were six.
And you're right. It's not invented if someone has actually said that they'll do it and more.
I still feel like utter shit about having to do it, though.
And to have him say it like that doesn't make it any easier. I guess that's what I get, though. And yeah, you're right, I did write him. To see if he could see a way out. Or, you know, a way to fake it properly. And I guess this is his way of saying that I've got to do it, but there's no getting around that it's the wrong thing to do, no matter the reason.
Which sucks.
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Of course he's going to say it's wrong; all he ever does is criticise everything without offering any real other options, without acknowledging the obvious downside to HIS way is that he's a bloody wanted criminal by MLE, who will kill him permanently the next time they see him.
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And I knew you wouldn't like it, but I was careful about it.
I know a lot of what he says isn't realistic or practical or anything, but I was hoping he'd... I dunno. Be more specific. Other than "change the world so that it won't have to happen." Because that's not going to happen before March.
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Anyway, we should all probably talk about how to prepare. Granger knows that faking isn't an option, right? And that you'll have to practise on animals, or something?
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We talked about it a little.
There's really no way around it. I've got to do the best I can. Razzer says that it's mostly mental, like getting my mind to a place where I can really get behind it, not like I'm enjoying it, but like I want to do it for duty and responsibility and those sorts of reasons.
Which is sort of the opposite from the other advice that I got. Which is that I'm always supposed to know it's wrong and bad no matter what, and that I'm doing it for all the wrong reasons.
I really hate this.
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Look. I can't talk to you for a while. I need some space.
If you want someone to talk to, then talk to your slave.